End of the Saga

I think I shall hurry this saga along... it definitely is getting tedious. But my thinking brain has not been in gear lately and I wanted to post SOMETHING!!

December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, one for every finger on my right hand. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those bird squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

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December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually SIX GEESE LAYING on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially, Alice

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December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and these freaking birds? SEVEN SWANS A SWIMMING? What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I am a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with these freaking birds!!

Sincerely, Agnes

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December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 MAIDS A MILKING?? It's not enough with all those birds, but the 8 maids had to bring their darn cows - 8 of them! There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

You must think you're really cute... please cut it out.

Agnes

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December 22, 1972

Hey Bonehead:

Now there's NINE LADIES DANCING. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been playing loud music and dancing around all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

You'll get yours!!

Agnes

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December 23, 1972

You Rotten Jerk:

What's with those TEN LORDS A LEAPING on those maids and ladies? You've turned my home into a brothel. They all got incredibly drunk on the eggnog, ran through the maids. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

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December 24, 1972

Listen you "#$%*_"

What are you some kind of sadist? Now there’s ELEVEN PIPERS PLAYING. And let me tell you, do they play!! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in all the ruckus. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

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December 24, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Happy Holidays,

Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe

and, as Paul Harvey says... now you know the rest of the story...